I need to stop coming to work sober
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
