you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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