Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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