If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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