I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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