Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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