what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
