How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
