Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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