I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
