my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
