Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
