I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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