Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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