so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
