we'll go far in life on tits alone.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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