Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
