Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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