I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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