ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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