I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
