he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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