Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
