I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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