1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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