I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
