I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
