Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
