My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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