Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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