Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
