he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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