I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
