I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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