why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
