So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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