apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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