This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
please come you make the beer taste better
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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