if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
