My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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