We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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