Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
