I feel great
I just peed on a car
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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