well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize