now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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