I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
