i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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