a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
