I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
