So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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