I hate your face
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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