Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
