Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
