I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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