Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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